Prison of Porn

The Prison of Pornography

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If you view porn more than once a month please read this!

 

Are you a man that is hooked on pornography? Well you’re not alone. The staggering statistics online say that 70% of men use porn (and the number might be higher).  And I myself struggled with this years ago.

 

Mostly this comes out of habit and ways of coping. It is our human nature to resist any uncomfortable feelings in life, so we check out through trying to feel only what we deem “pleasurable.”

 

Many of my clients reveal to me, after we begin to build a trusting relationship, that they are addicted to porn. This causes deep shame for them and yet, because it is so secretive, they are unsure what to do.

 

The truth is…

 

It isn’t something to be ashamed of. Rather, it can offer us an opportunity for radical growth, if we can shift our frame of reference.

 

Although there are some upsides to using porn (we’ll discuss this another time) there are an overwhelming amount of downsides.

 

Here a few reasons to curb or give up your porn habits.

 

Too many unrealistic ideals and “shoulds”
After watching porn, ever notice that you begin to judge how your sex life should be, how your partner should act, how you should act, how your partner should look, how big your cock should be? This sets unrealistic ideals that we can never achieve.

Bad education (this follows on the thought of unrealistic ideals)
Porn can be a huge reason that men become bad lovers. We watch what is happening on the screen and assume that is what will bring our partners pleasure. Men in porn are usually seen pounding away at women, dominating women, or degrading women. Not so much what your partner is desiring.

Lack of connection in sex
Men are visual creatures, so when in the habit of seeing fantasies on the screen, men tend to fixate their minds on these visual fantasies when in the bedroom. When a man is in fantasy, it blocks him from being truly present in intimacy with his partner(s), which doesn’t help in making anyone’s sex life better. And then when sex isn’t fulfilling, he returns to porn. Can you see the cycle here?

Men feel shame
Men carry the shame of being addicted to porn. Shame infuses into everything and makes us feel we are “bad”, “less than”, and to be punished. And it then begins to affect every part of how we relate and communicate.

 

So, what to do?

 

Tips to decrease porn use

Face Reality Awareness
Recognize that you have a habit that is not serving your greatest growth. Commit to healing yourself and your habit of viewing porn. Write down your heart desire around decreasing or quitting porn. Make a declaration that you will embark on the path. Commit to yourself.

Notice when the habit occurs
Do you watch porn when you feel depressed or have anxiety? When you feel alone or bored? The practice is to then replace the habit with something that supports you in the moment (DSD: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT….When you notice the urge, try replacing porn with exercise, yoga, breath practice, cold shower, journaling, meditation, or even call a friend). Or stay connected to what you are feeling, even if it is uncomfortable.

Ask for help
Like any other habit or addiction it can be more easily accomplished with support. Because porn can bring up judgments and shame, make sure that you are receiving support from someone you really trust or hire a coach or therapist.

Play with desire
Try the mindfulness practice of recognizing desire in your body and just watching it. Say “ I notice you desire. “ or “I feel your desire to watch porn and masturbate.” Without attachment, knowing that this sensation can be an invitation for you to go deeper into your own healing.

 

 

I would love to hear your thoughts about this huge and ongoing conversation.

And I hope that these suggestions help you along your journey.

 

Remember, this is something we as Men have been taught to use since we were boys and the process of shifting these habits can take some time.

 

 

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