This past weekend I was teaching a music and yoga festival. It was an amazing weekend of deep work with men and couples. After polling 100 men, I found that more than 75% of them felt they fit into the “people pleaser caretaker camp”. The people pleaser caretaker (or nice guy) is someone that doesn’t like to rock the boat, they feel more at ease when they are seeing to others needs and will often hear the phrase “you are such a nice guy”.
The people pleaser nice guy often feels dissatisfied with his sexual/intimate relationship.
It is often the “people pleaser caretaker” that stews in dissatisfaction. He doesn’t have the kind of sex, affection or adoration that he yearns for.
He rarely if ever puts himself first.
The “people pleaser caretaker” doesn’t speak up to get his needs met. He doesn’t speak his desire, he thinks of his wife or partner before himself, his efforts are aimed at what he thinks is the noble thing: “making others feel good”.
The habit of putting others first leaves him to secretly sulk in frustration of not having his needs met. His already low self-esteem spirals downward into the whirlpool of the “poor me victim”. He then gives, even more, attention and loving to his partner to make up for his feeling of low self-worth. Breaking this habit can be terrifyingly difficult.
Solution #1 Own Your Warrior
The first step is: ‘Own Your Warrior’. Owning your warrior means coming into the awareness that you must make your own needs your priority. You must be a little selfish, if you don’t take care of your own needs, your personal satisfaction is at the mercy of others.
The simple truth is that your needs and desires are your responsibility to fulfill. If you have the expectation for others to fulfill your needs, you will suffer. Expectations are a recipe for suffering.
Solution #2 Dig your own well
You can start with creating some “Me” time. Do the thing you love to do: a movie, a walk on the beach, a night with the guys. When you carve out time for yourself you are doing two things.
Firstly, when you fulfill your own needs, you are creating a more compassionate relationship with yourself. You’re feeding yourself, nourishing yourself, which is super healthy for you.
Secondly, you are being an autonomous sovereign man. This is not only empowering for you but it can also be a sexy trait to your woman. Women love when men take care of themselves (and do not come to them as little boys whining to get their needs met).
Solution #3 Speak Your Desire
If you’re in the pleaser nice guy habit, speaking your desire can be extremely difficult, BUT you must do this. Share your desire with your partner; speak it powerfully and without the little boy complaint or the blame game underneath it.
Be a little selfish, take more “me” time, fulfill your own needs, AND lovingly and powerfully speak what you desire from your woman.